What I Learned From Hitting Rock Bottom | cultureandgod.com
Life’s dilemas often come when you least expect it. Filled with anxious flutters of frustrating feelings that pop up from unpaid bills or tension between family members, these things grow to take a toll on your every day mood. For me, I began slipping a year ago when I realized the job I was blessed with two years ago, was not a blessing any longer. Before I knew it, I was single, jobless, resenting my parents, in arguments with my pastors and left with noting but my pen. Oh yea…and God. How could I forget.
There are of course, why’s and hows of these situations that lead up to rock bottom. But those extenuating circumstances aren’t what I’m here to talk about. Learning what climbing back from rock bottom can look like is what I’m here for. I haven’t made it all the way out yet, but If I can inspire a running start, then thats good enough for me.
You Are Not Your F*cking Khakis
The issue was never that my job stopped being a blessing, however the issue was that I stopped seeing it as one. I became so determined to pity myself that I couldn’t face the facts.Sure, I was a 26 year old Brand Manager/Graphic Designer for a Fragrance Company which sounds impressive by all means, but I began to identify myself by my job description and began to wonder, could I ever become more? Would I ever be anything if I left here? God was nowhere in my day to day life of meetings and UPC codes and I would check out of talking to Him until 6 o’clock when my holiness began.
I’m learning that my worth isn’t contingent on my education or my career. I always knew that with my mind, but I’m being forced to live it with my heart. It should be noted that I decided to take a huge risk and leave my job (on very good terms) with no back-up plan. It is the most risky thing I’ve ever done. This is where rock bottom comes in. Leaning on the Lord with full weight and letting Him carry the pressure of my understanding has never been my strong suit. My mind has always been my battle and now more than ever, I have been clear to give Him that war: to give Him that victory. I gave up my job, but I didn’t give up who I am. I can always find another one. But I need to find Him again.
Parents Just Don’t Understand
I didn’t expect my parents to understand my endeavor. Leaping out in faith to leave my job simply because I couldn’t hear God anymore. How could I tell the family that over Thanksgiving dinner? How would I rationalize that to my Pastors? But I nonetheless needed to. As a person, my spirit was weaker, my mind was more selfish, my actions were brash. I wasn’t the leader I once was. Anyone who was on any of my teams could have told you that. But despite the obviousness of my need for departure, the practicality and overwhelmingness of the word ‘unemployed’ was far too big for anyone close to me to ignore.
How do I get out of this gutter I’m in? How can I make my friends and family understand that this spiritual depression is real? Well I guess I can’t, I’ll have to show them by getting out of it. It’s simple, but it’s not easy. Consistent and constant hard work on my dreams will be evident to those that want to see me succeed. As for those that are just looking to criticize…They will find something wrong no matter what, so go on.
Pastors Were Preaching Better Than I Was Saying Amen
It’s obvious that when you’re defensive towards everyone else in the world, including your parents and friends, next up is your pastors. Those moments leading up to rock bottom were defining because I did not want to hear my spiritual guidance tell me anything. If you read this page at all you will read rants about how important it is to listen to your wise counsel and I wasn’t doing that. Mostly because everything else was going south, why would I care if one more thing went south?
But since when is quitting for winners? And since when are Christians called to be quitters and not overcomers? Well, it took me a few weeks to learn that lesson but I did. When your pastor is spending time on you, its because they see something in you. Yes, it may also be because you’re smelling a little funky right now, but in the words of my pastor, “Trying to get your life together before you go to God is like washing yourself off before you get in the shower.”
You Can’t Give What You Don’t Got
Love can be many things, but unless it comes from God himself, its not perfect. The hard thing that kept me inundated with turmoil was idea of ‘forever’. On either sides of any decision. Forever yes, forever no. But thats what love is. Love is forever, God’s love is a covenant forever, regardless of what we do, He holds up His end of the deal. And that love is what He modeled marriage after, a non-circumstantial, permanent, regardless of what you do, I will still do this Love. So when deciding on who to love it was a decision of whether or not that kind of love was in me. And whether or not that Love was something I could give.
I Call You Answer
Losing everything gave me hope.
I never thought I would write that sentence. But in reality I didn’t lose anything. I lost God for a short while in a cloud of self ambition, doubt, confusion, pride and anger. When everything disappeared within the span of a few months I was left alone in my house.
I flashed back to 2010 in a Hackensack Hospital bed where I first gave it all to Jesus: just me, a pen, a pad and a Savior. There I found everything I needed for all of eternity, and from there I will build everything I need from here on out.